101 Things I've learned while on a delivery truck

So I realize after publishing this blog that I screwed up the numbers, so I decided to just scratch the whole numbers thing and say... here is a bunch of random ass things I have learned.

- Traffic lights are inconvenient when you’re on a time schedule

- Something about finishing your last stop is liberating

- Customers really are not aware they are not the only delivery we have for the day

- GPS systems like to tell you to turn on roads that do not exist.

- No delivery driver likes a 3rd floor delivery. If you live on the third floor or want a sectional couch on the 3rd floor you should tip.

- Old appliances are really nasty.

- I will always proceed with extreme caution when driving next to any kind of box truck on a two lane road. You have an 80% chance the driver is doing something distracting, other than driving.

- It's a good idea to pee at any chance you get. No time to stop

- Cars like to pull out in front of you so they don't get stuck behind you... You do realize this is one step down from a semi and weighs a lot empty!

- The sign that has a box truck on it with a red circle line thru it (the one that means no trucks allowed) means nothing to delivery drivers.

- Invest in hand wipes trucks are dirty!

- 80% of the people on the road are talking on their cell phones

- Working 8 hours a day is out of the question.

- I've lost about 1/4 of my hearing.

- Drivers live off gas station food, monster, and red bull.

- You go to work when it's dark, you come home when it's dark.

- 4am is extremely early.

- Sales people are the devil. Their goal is to make a sale. So telling the customer everything they want to hear is the golden ticket to their commission... Until the delivery drivers arrive.

- Our "Clients" have a small margin of error when they forget to call a customer to tell them we don't have all their product. At that point all hell breaks loose, the ice caps begin to melt and the zombie apocalypse begins.

- Some people don't know what a vacuum, dust rag, or even a trash bag is.

- Customers think delivery drivers are, interior decorators, personal handy men, marriage counselors, and moving men.

- I don't think I've ever told so many white lies in one week, "Oh wow, that couch looks awesome in here." (Yeah, your orange walls really do the trick)

- After week one, I got tired of telling my life story. At the same time I would rather say anything other than sitting in between two guys for 10 hours and be silent.

- The person sitting next to you in the truck is your personal pillow.

- Bumps and dips in the road really suck.

- If a driver fails to see a speed bump sign and is going 40 through a residential neighborhood, hold the f!@# on!!!!!

- Mailboxes are generally in the way.

- Cars parked on the side of the road in a development are generally in the way.

- Parking in the middle of the street, where no other cars can pass is not a good idea, you will most likely piss someone off.

- Speed limits? What are those? They must not apply to delivery drivers.

- Wearing a white UST shirt is beyond pointless, on or off the truck.

- Couples need to decide before we get there where you want your stuff set up, it's really awkward when you start fighting with two (sometimes 3) complete strangers in your home.

- Getting a customer to sign a damage waiver, without just coming out and saying "your house design sucks, you bought the biggest most awkward piece of furniture we sell, and we might fuck some shit up" is really challenging.

- Customers get aggravated when you deliver their stuff in the rain and it gets all wet and gross, I'm sorry it's been raining since last night... If you didn't want your s!@#  wet you should have reset. We don't carry around magic bubbles that lead us a dry path from the truck to your home.

- Constantly thinking of things to add to this list (day and or at 2am) is annoying.

- Customers thinking I'm a random girlfriend along for the ride is absurd. A. I'm not going to come into your house and observe a delivery unless it's part of my job. B. A delivery truck is not a woman idea of a romantic day. (I can't imagine any woman falling for this pick up line: "hey baby wanna ride around in my truck all day while I deliver furniture and appliances?")

- Men at truck stops creep me out.

- The radio plays the same songs all day long, and they all play commercials at the same exact time.

- I wish I knew Spanish

- If you fall asleep in the truck you have a 90% chance you will be awaken by your face smacking against the window.

- Customers believe a 3 hour window is inconvenient. Last time I had to wait on a cable delivery I didn't get a time, they just came whenever they feel like it. (8 hours later) Since when does a 3 hour window mean you have to wait all day long? It clearly means you have a 3 hour period where we can arrive. I'm sorry I can't give you a more exact time, we are busy being personal handy men for the customer before you... (From #21) you know the Customer that really is clueless that we have 12 other customers to cater to (from #3)

- Some trucks should not be operating on a daily basis. (Yes this is an actual HOLE in the bottom of the truck. No it was not the only hole I found)

- One of the guys (either Ace or TJ) from the "Ace and TJ show" in Charlotte sounds just like Jason Coman at times. (Voice wise)

- Turn signals apparently are not necessary.

- Check engine and check transmission lights are not a priority. "Ummm you do know your check engine light is on?" "Oh yeah, it's always on" "soooooo you don't think that's a problem?"

- Gated communities are annoying and time consuming.

- Introducing yourself is a key factor in a delivery that is not awkward. This point clearly needs some training at all locations.

- Balling up your pads and throwing them in the back of the truck is not acceptable as "folding and securing pads"

- The line separating the two lanes on a road... You really should pay attention so you don't cross that line... You just made the person in that car next to you shit their pants. From the mouth of my dad, "that truck was sweaving!!!!" (only the people in the car that day will understand what the hell I'm talking about here) 

- Most if the day I feel like a stalker.

- The rest of the day I feel like I'm just in the way.

- Khakis are the worst idea ever!

- Helping with trash, small tasks on deliveries and maintaining the back of the truck is the best way to gain trust with the guys you are riding with. Not to mention you are saving 5 mins on your long day. Guys talk to each other, word travels, make an impression.

- Customers seem so pleased with their delivery until you see your scores and they totally just screwed you with 1's

- You will have customers that are so close to you while watching you install something that you can feel their breath on your neck, and then you will have some that you can't even find to sign your paperwork.

- You will question at some point the fact that you may or may not survive the ride.

- Speaking in another language to each other when there is something that doesn't speak that language in your presence is a number one way to make someone feel uncomfortable.

- You will quickly learn your pet peeves for a delivery. Example: the horrifying sound of couch legs, dresser legs, fridge bottoms, and washer/dryer bottoms scraping along the unprotected ground.

- Door jam protectors and scuff shields clearly are just decorations for the back of the truck.

- People really don't know how dangerous it is to not clean a range for 6 years.

- A man's pride is more important than safely using a spotter when backing up.

- It's really difficult to turn around a 27ft box truck on a one way street.

- It's even more difficult to do a "U" turn in a box truck.

- When a trucks brake sensor is bad and you have to listen to a high pitch screeching noise for 9 hours you start to go a little crazy

- The sound of a loose rattling window for 9 hours is also very annoying.

- A manager showing up late lets your team know it's okay to be late.

- It seems to be a common problem with trucks that when you turn on the turn signal the wiper blades also turn on.

- Trucks smell, air fresheners cost like 3 bucks.

- It's really hard to stay awake when traveling long distances.

- I'll never understand why people don't put up their dogs when getting a delivery.

- One client just doesn't understand I'm not here to help him get the docks/routes ready

- Docks are never ready at one of our locations, load out is 5:30, guys show up at 6:00and docks are (usually) ready by 6:30 (on a good day)

- On more than one occasion I've heard a client say, "Oh that piece is damaged, lets send it out and see what happens anyway"

- 30-40 minutes is generally the wait time to get counted out at one location in the morning. Grand total of almost 2 hours wasted on the docks twiddling our thumbs this morning. 10/16/13

- If you smoke I suggest keeping cigarettes hidden around the guys. You won't have any left before 7am.

- Writing notes while on the trucks makes the guys very curious about what you’re writing.

- You learn very interesting things on talk radio shows. I now know hustler of the year is Jay-Z.

- The plastic on fridge doors is really inconvenient to remove!

- Reason #71 why a pad is a good idea under the product you are staging!

- Backing up, while doing a call ahead, and punching in the address in your GPS probably isn't very smart.

- I've lived off chips for breakfast, lunch, and sometimes dinner for the last 4 weeks, (and I’m sure the next 3 weeks as well.)

- We would have some pretty decent delivery teams if they used as much concentration on deliveries as they did on hot women walking dogs and/or kids.

- 1 Gas station restroom, shared between men and women... worst idea EVER!!!

- It really sucks when you hit stopped traffic 10 minutes from your warehouse after you have already spent 2 hours on your ride home.

- Leaving my nice, warm, and dry bed at 4am to go deliver appliances in the cold rain is not my idea of an ideal work environment.

- When you can't help but die laughing when a driver sees a hot girl and says "damn! I'm glad I finally got my glasses fixed" never mind the fact you couldn't see the house numbers, or stop signs before.

- Lift gates are much more convenient than trying to use the handles to get in and out of the truck. I would rather be given a ride to the ground and not almost break my arm. - Yes I actually almost fell off the back of the truck... Don't judge me.

- The fact that a helper actually wanted to keep an old box spring and mattress a customer gave them because "it looked clean" is beyond my realm of common sense apparently.

- Customers really don't care you have other deliveries... You MUST wait for them… Oh did I already mention that. Well just in case you forgot, it happens on EVERY ROUTE, EVERYDAY!

- "Hey watch out for that low hanging tree branch..." Or just take down the tree, that's cool too.

- Some teams could really use some training on small talk, now I'm not the greatest at small talk either, but damn I could hear the knife cut the air right now it's so quiet.

- A fridge was actually left this way! (and it was brand new) We had to exchange because it was too big and the doors would not open. Had I not been there all this damage would not have been noted, nor would there be any pictures. If you don't want to pay for another team’s carelessness... MAKE NOTES, TAKE PICTURES. I really don't understand why this is such a hard concept for most delivery drivers.

- If you sweat profusely, please carry a rag in your back pocket. Nothing is more gross than your sweat dripping all over a customer’s home, and new product.

- A team introduces me as their manager and the lady seriously says "I always like some vanilla with my chocolate." (I have absolutely no comment to add to this)

- "Road hump" signs are disturbing. Please just call it a speed bump.

- After a couple of weeks you stop checking the time wondering how long you have been working. When it's close to being dark you know you "hopefully" are almost done.

- "What time will you be off work?" Will be a question you will learn to stop answering... A. Your original answer will probably be wrong. And B. You will more than likely jinx yourself into getting off way later than "projected"

- I've actually pulled up next to a number of cars at stop lights that are clearly drinking alcohol while driving. Dude its noon! Please evaluate your life.

- It's sad that the only point I felt necessary to mention in the last one was the time and not the fact that they are drinking AND driving.

- I'm pretty sure the last time I was in bed and asleep before 9pm, more than 3 days in a row, I was probably 10.

- I find between 2 and 3 different street signs a day that I would love to steal, maybe I should evaluate my life.

- I've never seen so many idiots stop at a green lights. I learned that green means go when I was three. Get your shit together I'm trying to get home here!!

- Garbage trucks, mail cars, trains, and school buses are just as inconvenient as traffic lights.

- Probably one of the strangest stories I have... Getting off the interstate after a 2 hour drive home, homeless man standing on the corner. (Apparently the guys know him well because he is always on the same corner by the warehouse) conversation goes as follows:
        Driver: "Hey man I thought you were getting a job? You told me last week you had a job lined up"
        Homeless man: "Oh yeah! I am....hey you wanna hire me? You know....when I get sober I can come work for you!" (-Oh Charlotte!)   
 
- The team’s quickness and sometimes strong sense of impatience has started to rub off on me... I found myself speeding on the way home, while yelling at the idiots driving too slow in front of me.

- Trucks needs a first aid kit on them. Especially if you have an accident prone MIT riding with you

- If I was married to the wife of one guy that I rode with, I would just end my life. She called him 14 times before 11am... Locked herself out of her car and demanded he stop everything he was doing and bring her the keys... Let's just say it was a really bad decision on my part to get out of the truck at that gas station to throw my cup away. She spent the rest of the day "packing his shit"